(That’s right, the alcoholic has figured out how to walk right up to that line and still get by in public. There’s no way THAT will go wrong, right? ….but I digress. That’s not today’s topic.)
Watching an Opportunity Rover video.
I am not made for this. I am made to find new things. See new places that no one has seen before. That’s just barely still possible on earth. That kind of adventure…..that’s what I am made for. Where can I find it?
I keep coming back to this:
Here’s the text (but you really should listen to Susan Sarandon’s delivery in the video. That’s right. Susan-fucking-Sarandon is Dr. Wong.):
Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness.
You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it’s because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it’s your mind within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk -to belittle my vocation- just as you chose to become a pickle.
You are the master of your universe, and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces. Your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand.
I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I’m bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it’s not an adventure. There’s no way to do it so wrong you might die. It’s just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people well, some people would rather die.
Each of us gets to choose.
Each of us gets to choose. — That’s a hell of a phrase.
It feels like this is important. It feels like this explains something, like I should have some kind of revelation in this. I’m just not sure what that is. But it feels unbearably True.
I think I am one of those latter people.
“…some people are okay going to work, and some people well, some people would rather die.”
I’m one of those who would rather die. I’ve said it before, but at some point I used the flippant phrase, “I would rather die” and I meant it in ways that most people never do. And that’s a choice, to MEAN that. It’s a choice to take such a position. I don’t see how I can make another choice, but it’s a choice none-the-less.
I DO think of my mind as both “an unstoppable force and an inescapable curse.” I am the Master of my own Universe, and yet I find myself “damaged”, “useless”, “homeless”, “worthless”. It’s tempting to think that I simply haven’t found my “place” but that’s just bullshit too. It’s a prevarication that doesn’t actually help or further the situation at all. I am IN this situation by my own choices; by my own actions and influence. I am here because of my own decisions. I really don’t blame anyone else. My unstoppable mind has put me here.
So what does that mean? Does that MEAN anything?
And the idea of “Adventure”….challenge, quest, story…
“…the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it’s not an adventure.”
The only way I’ve been able to limp-along for THIS long is by trying to frame difficulties as “adventures”. And I’m not sure that can last forever. I think, eventually, the mundane “work” of life is going to demand attention, more than it already does — more than the laundry, or the grocery store, or the post office — and it will be too much for me. Eventually, I will be destroyed by those mundanitie.
And I think I WANT to be destroyed by them. I want to be done. I want a half-way decent reason to be done.